Category Archives: Relaionships

How One Sentence Can Change Not Only Every Individual Life: But the Whole World!

Posted on by
Reply

How One Sentence Can Change
Not Only Every Individual Life:
But the Whole World!

The one sentence critical to each person’s individual internal development and lasting happiness is an objective and experience-based definition of the word LOVE.

Real Love is giving energy, interest and attention for the innocent purpose of first understanding, and then nurturing all that we love.

There are six dimensions of complex life experiences identified in this one sentence.

The first dimension is Giving.
Most people do not understand how to give internal experiences like energy, interest and attention.

Normally, we want to get external things like security, sex, money, and pleasantly stimulating or exciting and pleasurable experiences.  We also want to just “feel good” about ourselves, and usually assume that if we get everything we want we will be happy, but then fail to observe people who have everything, and yet never seem to get enough, and always want more.

The problem with getting what we want is that we are focused on external gratifications, while what we need are internal fulfillments—like the competence to understand and nurture, and the ability to pursue truth, experience beauty, and develop wisdom.  Even after a lifetime of getting everything we want, there is always an emptiness inside that pathetically wonders, “Is this all there is?”

By contrast, after a lifetime of giving interest, energy and attention, we are filled-up with conscious and meaningful experiences that have taught, touched and changed us.  In the process, we have made ourselves internally complete by mastering the ability to express love, pursue truth, experience beauty and develop wisdom.

Now, at the end of our lifespan we are fulfilled, and while we may leave life reluctantly, we are at peace knowing we have lived as fully and completely as humanly possible.

The second dimension is giving Energy, Interest and Attention.
In normal life we are so busy getting approval, security, success, pleasure and distraction, we never possess a drop of understanding, love, or wisdom. Often, we are not even aware of our own experience.

We must learn how to give energy, interest, and attention to just be aware of our own experience—which is defined in part by the facts of each moment, what the facts mean, how we respond, and the consequences we create.

One reward for giving energy, interest and attention is that we come to understand ourselves, life, and other people.  We also learn how to absorb every part of the mysterious experience of just being alive, and become competent to nurture all that we love.

The third and fourth dimensions are defined by “Innocent” and “Purpose.
Modern life is often so manipulative and outcome oriented that most people do not think “innocence” still exists.  It is also true that innocence has never been popular with human beings, and in today’s internet and business dominated world, innocence has all but disappeared.

Nonetheless, we all need to give energy, interest and attention delivered with an innocent purpose, which means that we give freely, with no outcome in mind, and no expectation of reciprocity.  This means we offer a real, no strings attached, genuine gift.

In addition to being innocent, we all need to give energy, interest and attention that is purposeful—only our purpose needs to be defined by an innocent desire to understand.

What are selfish reasons for giving energy, interest and attention for the innocent purpose of wanting to understand?  For one, in mastering these basic skills we learn how to feed all real needs: and two, we fulfill our uniquely human potentials to Understand, Care, Master, Create and Contribute.

Another lasting reward for giving energy, interest and attention is that we develop a deep consciousness, caring, and internal competence we get to keep inside ourselves forever.

There is little more pathetic and sad than passing through an entire lifetime and never develop even a small portion of love and wisdom—consciousness and caring.

The fifth dimension is Understanding.
We often confuse understanding with explanations, judgments, conclusions, beliefs, ideas, or feelings.

Real understanding requires that we focus on one topic, observe facts, ask intelligent questions, and develop a desire to see what is true–no matter how painful: like when the truth contradicts our beliefs and feelings, or adds extra tasks and responsibilities we need to acknowledge and accept.

Understanding by itself is useless unless we use it to nurture ourselves, other people, and Nature.  Insight without application is always just an impotent intention that serves only to frustrate, never nurture.

The sixth dimension is Nurturing.
Nurturing requires that we first understand internal needs, potentials and developmental tasks.  Only after we acquire a detailed understanding can we competently nurture ourselves, the people around us, and Nature.

Nurturing, which begins with giving energy, interest and attention, must always be a gift, we can never expect to get anything back or it ceases to be nurturing, and instead, becomes a quid pro quo business deal—no longer satisfying for anyone.

The seventh dimension is putting it all together in one seamless expression of real love!

The Need for Real Love In Long-term Romantic Relationships

Posted on by
Reply

The Need for Real Love
In Long-term Romantic Relationships

We are all familiar with the standard beliefs and feelings about romantic love.  For instance, we think we are in love when we feel “chemistry”, or “…have never before felt this way about anyone!”

The Eskimos have nearly 180 words for “snow”, while we have only one word for the complex experience we call “love.”  I think it is time to expand our understanding by identifying a few of the many different experiences that fall under the auspices of one overused word: Love.

To begin, “chemistry” is just a euphemism for a combination of lust, trust, and comfort.  If we feel comfortable with someone, and believe we can trust them, at least a little, and are physically attracted, then voila! we are in love!

This level of love can be renamed lust-based love. We are lusting after sexual pleasure, as well as feeling emotionally safe.  This version of love is often expressed in romantic novels and movies: i.e., chick flicks.

Another version of “love” is when a woman decides it’s time to find a mate and start a family, and she chooses a man who can provide external security.  Often, she is willing to forego chemistry for reliability and ambition.  This can be called security-based love.

For a man, love is usually lust-based accompanied by a desire that the woman also take care of him physically and emotionally.  While they are rarely aware of it, most men are looking for a sexy mom—and if they find one, tend to cling to her like a new-born baby!

There are more variations in the experience of romantic love, but these three provide a foundation for understanding normal love.  What all the normal variations of romantic love share in common is they are externally-based, and motivated by what men and women want to Get from each other.  Normal love is an external quid-pro-quo contract.

For contrast, Real Love is internally-based and motivated by a conscious purpose to Grow in understanding life, each other and Nature—Share purposes, accomplishments and experiences—and Give energy, interest and attention.  Real love is also innocent, and internally-based on what couples want to Give and Share, rather than Get.

Take a moment, and think about the long-term romantic couples you know, have seen in the news, or in books and movies, and how many even seem to have a conscious, emotionally connected, internally growing, and passionate response to life and each other? 

Make it less complicated, and ask how many individuals do you see whose path through life fits the above description?  How about you?  Does either your individual life or romantic relationship fit the above description—or do they look like something else?

In twenty-five years as a psychologist, and the last ten teaching internal development, my experience is that the best normal relationships are defined by couples who like each other, agree on the external terms of their contract, and accept that without internal development their lives and romantic relationships will be dramatically limited.

However, the most common story is a couple will acquire every external success and luxury, but still feel incomplete, or unhappy.  The problem is that lasting happiness requires internal nurturing provided in part, by genuine understanding.

Since no culture has ever had the information necessary to train people in how to understand and truly love each other—it is normal for people to be internally unhappy.

Typically, we react to being unhappy by pursuing approval, security and pleasure, which leaves no room in our schedules, hearts, or minds to pursue a deep understanding of anything internal—and as we have seen in the last two blogs, without understanding we cannot offer real love.

So why would anyone want to work for the experience of understanding and love?  One reason is because in learning how to express love and develop wisdom, we connect to life in the most intensely satisfying and genuinely meaningful way possible.

On the other hand, one reason we are prone to destructive habits and romantic fantasies, is because we get bored by ordinary life and seek intensity.  The easiest ways to create intensity are through destructive behavior, or sexual encounters and romantic fantasies.  In normal life, we are not trained in how to engage the most intensely satisfying activities life offers—expressing love and developing wisdom.

Developing the ability to understand, which is the pre-requisite for love and wisdom, takes us into an open-ended adventure exploring new avenues of thought and caring that push the edge of the developmental envelope, and often takes us where no human has ever gone before.

The pursuit of understanding is exhilarating beyond imagination, raises the low ceiling of expectations that restricts our lives, and provides internal fulfillment above and beyond what we normally even hope is possible for human life. 

The journey toward internal development takes work and courage.  Work is needed because there is so much to learn, and courage is required because many assumptions, beliefs and feelings are replaced with accurate observations.

One undeniable joy in this sometimes difficult process is that the information CMED provides is objective and experiential, and is easily verified by each interested student.

Another joy of CMED training is that couples share a conscious purpose to develop their minds and emotions, which in turn creates an intense experience of life and love they could not duplicate through any other pursuit.

Internal development creates a lifetime adventure where every day couples can bring the energy of discovery and newness into their individual lives, and their relationship.

This is how long-term romantic relationships can retain not only the initial passion, but build lasting intimacy and a genuine emotional bond.

If you want to experience truly significant adventures that take you to new places in yourself with someone you love, and where you travel through new avenues of thought, caring, understanding, love and wisdom—then you will want to check out the training in internal development provided by CMED.